New Families Welcome

Monday, August 26, 2024

Hello Families and Friends! So nice to be here with you!

Congratulations to you. You have successfully launched your young adult into college and beyond. That is no small feat. I have done this myself three times (I have three adult children), and it never gets easier. All the hopes and dreams, and then all the anxiety and potential for disappointment—it is a lot. So, if you are feeling a little tearful, or a lot tearful, or just a little out of sorts, give yourself a break. It’s OK. Today is a big deal, for all of us.

In addition to welcoming you to the Vassar community, I would like to tell you a little more about myself and my role at the College. I have been the president since 2017, before which I was at Yale for twenty years as a professor of public health and Head of College. I live here on the campus with my husband, John, and we both really enjoy knowing students. My husband directs the Vassar Education Collaboration, which is a way for Vassar students to volunteer in the Poughkeepsie public schools as tutors, after-school mentors, and college-prep advisors. I have office hours every Sunday evening for students who want to come talk about just about anything; students can email me to sign up. And after office hours, I write a weekly email to all students, reflecting a bit on the week past and anticipating the week ahead.

Now to you—as parents, families, and friends. Your role is critically important this year. But what I have to say may not be what you expect. My reflections are not based on my role as a parent but rather in my role as a person who has lived and worked with college-age students for decades and been through a lot with families and their students.

The first item to recognize is that your child is now an adult. I know—it is so hard to accept, but they are indeed mostly all 18 years old now. They are preparing themselves to be fully independent. We all need to give them that space. And that is hard. With text and cell phones, to really give space is difficult for most of us. What I mean by giving space is allowing—even encouraging—your students to live their lives without your voice in their heads on a daily basis. Giving space is allowing them to make decisions without being second-guessed, without oversight, and aligned with their own emerging views and voices. Some of these emerging views and habits may be distressing to you. They may choose paths that are not what you would choose for them. But it is time. It is their moment to define themselves, to try on different ways of being, to explore new ideas and endure the consequences of their choices. You know this. I know you do. But start preparing now to commit to letting your student grow in their independence from you.

The second point is that you must restrain your natural instinct to save them. And your students may be complicit in making this difficult for you. They will call or text you and tell you “Everything is wrong.” They will sound like they want your help. They may even ask for your advice. Resist this temptation!! Do not give them advice. They may even cry, which of course is going to make you cry. But you must restrain yourself.

You have a much more important role now than to solve their problems. What they need from you now is your presence, that’s all—no solutions, just accompaniment. So, when they ask you “what should I do?” or when you feel the impulse to give them a suggestion, take a breath, and instead just be present with them. Even if your student asks you how to solve a problem, what they really need is something different. They need for you to listen and ask questions that prompt their deeper thinking. Some helpful prompts that signal your presence might be: “What are the tradeoffs you are thinking about?” or “How are you feeling about the choices?” or simply, “hmm, that’s interesting, tell me more about it.” This is so hard—because all we really want to do is make them feel better. But the ability to do that on their own, with you accompanying by your presence but letting them research the options and make their own choices, is absolutely critical. This is integral to the movement from adolescence to young adulthood, and you intervening to solve problems can stall that development.

Last, after I have scared you, I want to give you some reassuring news. Almost everyone graduates! And 93 percent of students have jobs, fellowships, or graduate school acceptances within 6 months of graduation. I also want to assure you that we have a residential and academic system here that will support your young adult fully. In the houses, we have student fellows, house advisors (who are administrators), and house fellows (who are faculty) who your students may access for just about anything. We have a wonderful academic advising system through the Dean of Studies office and Deans Gerhardi and Porcello. And a host of other deans and directors who can support your student at every turn. And I am here as well; students know they can reach out to me directly, and I can connect them to support as needed. I also always have a lot of chocolate available, which can help.

I want to close by thanking you for sharing your student with us for these four years, and I am committed to doing everything we can to ensure the time is fruitful, challenging, and life-changing in all the best ways.

We know that we will face difficulties, and we are dedicated to responding to make students’ experiences better. My hope for this year is that we will strengthen many capacities—the capacity to think outside the box, to see the world from new perspectives, to care for one another in new ways, and to trust in community. These are bedrock skills, which are fundamental to a liberal arts education and will equip your young adults to lead meaningful lives together.

Please be in touch if you have questions; you can always reach me by emailing me at: EBradley@Vassar.edu

Welcome to the Vassar family!